Jolene Philo and I became friends due to our mutual experience in raising kids with special needs and our desire to help others who have walked similar paths to understand and find support. Jolene is the author of several books including Different Dream: A Practical Guide to Raising a Child with Special Needs. (Click on the title to find on Amazon). So happy to welcome Jolene here today on True Life With God where she gives wise, practical advice for caregivers.
Nasty little whispers had a way of burrowing into my thoughts while my husband and I cared for our very sick baby in the early 1980s. Those whispers, also known as lies, set up camp in my head and drained me of the joy and purpose that keeps a caregiver going. Combatting those lies was nearly as big a struggle as keeping our son alive during the first 4 years of his life. Frankly, the nasty little whispers often beat me down battles during my days as a sleep-deprived, isolated, anxious young mom.
Our very sick baby is now a healthy man, and I have time to minister to caregivers. We connect rapidly and profoundly because, despite our differing circumstances, we have much in common, including those nasty little whispers. As we talk, I often share 3 truths to silence 3 very common lies.
Lie #1: This Caregiving Season Is Forever
My father was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis as a young man when my siblings and I were very young. Our mother was his primary caregiver for 38 years, but we kids were part of his caregiving team throughout our childhoods and into young adulthood. More than once, we nearly bought into the lie that we would care for Dad forever.
Truth #1: This Caregiving Season Is Not Forever
Dad’s death dispelled the lie. Mom was 67, my sister, myself, and my brother were 44, 41, and 38. Suddenly, the forever of caregiving ended, and we had to move on. Caregivers who know this season will end–when their loved one recovers when others share the caregiving duties, or with the death of the loved one or the caregiver–are more likely to handle this difficult transition in a healthy manner.
Lie #2: Caregiving Is Who You Are
When our son was sick for the better part of 4 years, it was tempting to define me solely as his caregiver. I observed the same tendency in my mom regarding my dad. We were sometimes seduced into believing caregiving wasn’t just what we did, but it was who we were. Caregivers who define themselves in that way often flounder when their caregiving duties end.
Truth #2: Caregiving Is One Thing You Do
Caregivers who believe this truth find ways to be more than a caregiver, even in the midst of their duties. They train others to watch their loved ones so they can get out of the house now and then. They keep learning new things by reading, listening to audiobooks or podcasts, by taking online classes, or by enjoying a hobby. When my son was hospitalized, I worked on needlepoint projects. When Mom cared for Dad and later when he was in a nursing home, she sat with him and pieced quilts after supper. When our respective caregiving duties ended, we continued to engage in our hobbies.
Lie #3: No One Can Care for Your Loved One Like You Can
As is true of many lies, there’s some truth in this one. You truly know your loved one better than anyone. Therefore, you can provide an optimum level of care. However, caregivers who believe this lie refuse to let others take part in caregiving duties. They at increasing risk for burnout, and they are keeping their loved ones from developing relationships with other caregivers who could become their friends.
Truth #3: No One Can Care for Your Loved One Like You Can, but Others Can Enter Into the Care of Your Loved One
The truth is, someone can step in and take over your caregiving duties once in a while. They won’t do it exactly like you do. They won’t do it as well as you do. You may have to do clean up after they leave. But they can enter into the care of your loved one. Their presence will enlarge your loved one’s circle of support. While they take over your duties for a time, you can use these three truths to replenish the joy and purpose that keeps you going as a caregiver.
