I knew it was bound to happen one day. Someone would discover my writing. Someone would search the Internet to find my heart—not to embrace but to criticize—to find “ammunition” to support negative theories.
Perhaps this is why I have waited three decades to answer God’s call to express. Perhaps I needed this much time in God’s intensive care to heal. After all, who shows their underbelly of brokenness to the world knowing full-well there are those without good intent waiting in the wings for a juicy morsel of dark and dirty? Where are those who open windows wide to heart and soul?
Here. I have allowed God to take my hand and write the real because He has called me to this. As sure as I am about anything, I know He has called me to this—to write words of truth, transparency, and vulnerability so that a hurting world might find a morsel of hope, a sip of strength, an ounce of encouragement—a safe place for broken joining together.
But I had to be healed first of my deepest fear—disapproval and rejection. At an early age, I learned how horribly mean people can be. My spirit was wounded and I found solace and protection in isolated places. God found me there—in my room—in the woods—in the solitude. And He has called me out. He has led me away from lonely superficial to real, life-giving relationship.
Last week was a test—a scan to see whether His healing has held. Fragments of fear were found but only bits that melted quick in the warmth of His presence. He comforted me with His truth . . .
God is sovereign. He only allows what is for the best, ultimately—the best for me, for others, for the world. He can and does use everything for good—even the good of those who start out with bad intent. How crazy good is that?! And He has made me so fear-less that I can honestly, with good intent, pray for my enemies that God blesses them! How miraculous is that?!
So today, as I prepare for a flight to the desert, I praise God for His merciful, healing hand in my life. I praise Him for all the pain that has grown me to this point. I praise Him for His goodness to ALL. I praise Him that I can rest and not worry.
God is in charge. I don’t have to hide anymore. The voice He has given me is ringing. Only God knows who will answer His call to come close. How His heart longs for each and every one of us!
The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1
I sought the LORD, and he answered me: he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:4-5